August 6th, 2014

love - i believe

In which I were to jump over the broom... twice

Okay. So no more eating chocolate mousse pies before bed. Or oversleeping. The longer I sleep past my normal hours, the weirder (and longer) my dreams become.

I dreamed about being proposed to by two different men. I said yes to both, and then soon, my mom, sister, and I were off to a bridal shop - looking at dresses that I know we could not afford. To put that into perspective, I could not afford any dress because I am so not in a period where I can pay for anything as big as a wedding. Not even a cute, small one on a patio somewhere. I knew this is in the dream too, and yet, there we were - trying to find dress inspiration.

Now, this was obviously a dream dump situation. While you sleep, your mind is dumping the majority of the information it has received over the past day to clear it out and rejuvenate for the next day. It is like a car wash for the subconscious.

Yesterday morning, I was binge-reading missparker's journal entries, and she is planning a wedding for the fall. I am super excited for her because she is happy, and I have been rooting for her from afar for years. Then of course my brain was like, "What would happen if you were getting married?"

Just to be clear, I would be in straight-up panic. What made the dream a nightmare was the fact that the two guys who proposed to me were men I was not in love with. I just said yes, and I had a ring on my finger all of a sudden. I guess I said yes to be polite? But that would never happen in real life because I respect the institution of marriage wayyyyy to much to treat it like a piece of weird candy being offered.

I call it a nightmare because it would be one. Not marriage in and of itself, but saying yes to someone out of comfort or fear of being alone or indifference to the whole thing. That is terrifying. I know people that do that. "Well, this is probably the best offer that will come along, so might as well jump on this train while it's here," or "Meh, why not? You're supposed to get married at some point right? And maybe it will get better later on."

NO. That will make me startle awake while sweating faster than a zombie chasing me.
Love and marriage are sacred and should be treated as such.
And how the hell was I going to explain to both guys that I was marrying EVERYBODY?
Pffft. Like I could handle that. I can barely handle myself.

Remember to love.